My First Christmas

This is my first Christmas in many ways: it's my first Christmas away from home, it's my first Christmas away from my parents, and in many respects it's the first Christmas I forgot to celebrate. Maybe because of all those previous firsts it's hard to remember how to celebrate. So here I sit in my brother and sister-in-laws home after dutifully taking my meds for another cold, sipping hot water and honey and watching the winter sun lighten patches of ancient Japanese forests. You may think the description "winter sun" too poetic, but really it's the only way to describe the greyish glow that only winter suns have. It brings with it a warmth all it's own and when it touches snow-dusted forests on mountains you have to crane your neck to see the tops of, that's a Christmas joy in and of itself.  I miss my family, and I miss my church. I miss the excitement in the air and wondering about the Christmas wish about to come true just as soon as you rip open that wrapping, but I'm beginning to treasure this time of missing, this uncluttering. 
So, while there are no stockings hung with care, or sugar cookies with the amount of frosting only holiday stomachs can endure, I'm still celebrating. It's not traditional or even familiar and I am still boycotting the song, "I'll be home for Christmas" for tearful reasons, but it's uncluttered. Just me, a mug, a foreign country, and a winter sun. Sometimes being devoid of holiday traditions is the only way to remember why you celebrate in the first place. Sound cliche? Not while I'm staring at this view.

Psalms of Remembrance

Inspired by my friend Carrie, I began to wonder what it would be like to write a Psalm of remembrance. If you think about it the main themes found in Psalms are all about the importance of remembering; remembering who God is, who you are, and what He has done. Here's a teaspoon taste of God's faithfulness to me, and my need for remembrance.


Remember to praise God
For His steadfast love endures forever!
Though an enemy, filthy and vile
You were adopted and grafted in
Never to be alone, without identity or love.


His steadfast love endures forever!


Through dry spiritual moments 
And childhood spills you were held.
When the future seemed uncertain 
And the next meal's source a mystery
You were sustained.


His steadfast love endures forever!


Through naive choices 
And blurry career paths you were led.
On roads winding through Kenya,
Amsterdam, and Romania you were guided.


His steadfast love endures forever!


When loneliness and doubts
Stripped you of purpose and identity,
and when singleness seemed an unwanted weight
You were treasured. You were pursued.


His steadfast love endures forever!


When darkness and disappointment
Turned your spiritual limbs to led
And your heart to a stone
You were watched over.
When the wind seemed to rip at you
And your boat about to sink,
You were never in danger.


His steadfast love endures forever!


When the sun began to shine again
And beauty seeped in once more
You were smiled upon.
Though the ups and downs 
Of life and healing continued,
You were steadied.


His steadfast love endures forever!


Through preparations and overseas flights
You were safe and you were assured.
While sickness and challenges seemed to overwhelm
And your manna for the day insufficient
It's never more than what's meant to be.


His steadfast love endures forever!


May forgiveness be given for the doubts we allow
Even in the face of all this.
Through every trial and every challenge,
Through all the smiles and tear stained laughter He is present.
Praise God, our Abba and patient Teacher.
For no matter the state of the road we are journeying on
His love has and will endure forever!

Giving Up Too Quickly

"God Knows." These two words seemed to be freakishly programmed to placate any misgivings or worrisome events that presented themselves to me today. Don't get me wrong. God does know, but I realized how easily I stop there. What if those hard times when cultural norms pull out the proverbial rug from underneath you, or the even harder instances when you watch loved ones go through hard times that tears at your heart, what if those times were suppose to be a jumping point for an actual conversation? "God knows...please show me." "God knows...but I still don't understand." "God knows...please take away the pain." God does know, and there are those times to realize the mystery and power of a Creator who knows all and you don't, but there are also those times when not knowing is His way of opening up that continual conversation a bit more. Maybe it will end with a not-knowing scenario. Maybe by the end of the conversation you will know what God knows. Maybe sometimes it will simply end in knowing Him better. Kinda makes you want to not give up so quickly doesn't it?