Much like a letter to a friend you haven't seen in awhile, I feel the need to start with a pleasant hello and an update. It's been awhile since my last post. The cycle of processing, applying what I've learned, and realizing a majority of my processed conclusions were wrong has kept me pretty busy lately. I am now entering month 5 of being back. It came as a shock this morning to realize my one-year anniversary of entering a plane and flying to the unknown is coming up pretty soon. Maybe I should send my flight stewardess a card. :)
Overall, life is becoming a pleasant pattern of waking, coffee drinking, working, and talking. Two things I've realized in this; 1-Living in community is messy, and 2- I am blessed to struggle with it. I still have a hard time readjusting socially. I know this may conjure images of my home-schooled past, and maybe that is what's coming back to bite me now. To give you an idea of what I mean, I just spent a whole week waking each morning and telling myself, "Lydia, don't say or do anything awkward today. Just stop it now." Before I left for Japan, I had understood enough of the social and verbal rules that I could rely on instinct to say or do something that is ingratiating, graceful, or simply cute even if it was awkward. This isn't bragging, I simply did it without knowing it, and when I did realize that I leaned on it more. Not to say this was always the case, but it was more than I would have liked to admit.
While in Japan, I was an observer. For weeks I would simply listen and watch trying to keep a mental steno pad full of do's and don'ts and "oh that's interesting" moments. I felt pretty bland and boring, and I probably was, but I still had that filmy veil of supposedly ingrained "right" behaviors trailing behind me. I saw that veil as either something beautiful that would distract someone from a awkwardly slipped comment, or would trail over comments and actions I left behind which may not have come out the way I wanted.
I know this is getting personal, but it's a blog and I'm reading a book on boundaries so I can't apologize for it. So, now that I am back, I can't find my veil. I have nothing to rely on to hide or transform my imperfect words. I try to say something encouraging, and sometimes without that veil it comes off as condescending. I am not as funny, kind, graceful, or sisterly as that veil let me be. Somehow in all my packing, goodbyes, and connecting flights I forgot my veil in Japan. Now, I have to learn how to be all those things myself, and not rely on what it looks like I should be, what I should say, or how I could react.
So, when I say I am blessed to struggle with this, I mean that my slip ups and mistakes make me smile. Not because I think they're cute or funny, but because I know I am a work in progress. Gunbatte, ne? I want to be that Proverbs 31 woman (even without a husband, it's a lofty goal ladies) and so this right here is what we call practice. I'd be a pretty horrible competitor if I didn't take the time to train. So, my morning prayer is going to be changing from this;
"Please, help me not be awkward today!"
To this;
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." The Serenity Prayer
Who knows, maybe an awkward comment is what God uses today. I'm alright with that.
