What Is This...
What is this feeling? Something between trusting and wariness. Have you felt like that? It's like a faith Jekyll and Hyde as you act out faith one way, and then the next instant Find yourself wanting to punch a wall out of frustration, only to come to once again and be appalled at your behavior. One side cannot understand the other, and you are both. You don't understand yourself, what you need, and you certainly don't understand God.
What is it when we follow a path we thought He had called us to walk till the end, only to realize He is calling us to stop, reverse, and go right back where we came from? What is this numb feeling as we retrace our steps, wondering the whole time what that was all about? And what is it when we cease to sing "Your grace is sufficient" and "Have Thine Own Way" as we fit our feet in the footprints we just made and trudge along in our confusion?
What is this weighty feeling which seems to slow our steps as we go back to where we had started? The reason we wandered down this path was because we were overwhelmed and in need of reprieve. We thought God had something for us at the end of the path and so we pursued it. Yes, as the almighty God and Sovereign Lord, He has the right to call the about face, but why? And will the reason be enough? It will be, but what do we do to combat this hopelessness?
It could be that He wants us on another path. Same destination, but another way to get there. But what is this tired feeling we have when we think of starting down one more path? What is this hesitation that comes with the thought of trusting His direction and our interpretation of it? Do we think the last path we came back from was a mistake? No. The process was good and we learned a lot. But the destination wasn't achieved and we are left wondering if He ever meant for us to try and get there in the first place.
So, what are we supposed to do when our limbs are too heavy to lift, and the next step seems a leap? What do You want us to do with the dream or destination which we just seemed to turn back from?
What is this?
This Is...
This is surrender.
The path is unfamiliar and counter intuitive. It's not that the path itself is surrender, but what you must do to survive it and achieve your destination; that's surrender. And not just the little destinations of job, relationships, goals, but the end destination of Christ, the Kingdom, and glory.
This is the souls response to the refrains of "Have Thine Own Way." The response comes with the melody of "I Surrender All." It follows the lament of the Psalmist and ends with the promises of the Early Church.
This is a painful path, and while it feels that the current part we are traveling is all up-hill, it is a worth while path. That's hard to remember when your calves are burning and your mind starts to match the methodical pounding of your footsteps with tremors of doubts.
"Be at peace and know..." You were told once. "Do not rely on your own understanding," was your admonition. This is what it feels to take on identity. Not the kind that you pick up when you're out in the world; the kind that slowly seeps in until one day you're astonished at who you've become. No, this kind takes pressure, like a piece of sand or a fragment of coal, slowly being pressed inward, causing friction, grinding, forcing one thing to change into another. You are fully aware of this kind of change.
This is His best, given by His hand, lovingly harsh. Our heart is battered by the pressure, our mind asks how much more we can take, but our soul knows this is the only way and asks heart, mind, and body to trust. This is the working out of faith. This is our path.
This is the opportunity for God to uphold us as in Psalm 119:116, this is when competences fail and God is proven true like in Psalm 73:26, this is what a Proverbs 31 woman is supposed to laugh at because of her knowledge and faith in God, this is the deciding moment between denial and declaration of Christ as in Matt 26:69-75 and John 21:15-19 this is what it feels like to give up our rights and to train for the race like in 1 Corinthians 9.
And this is what it feels like to have our hope built on nothing less, then Jesus' love and righteousness, to dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholy lean on Jesus name. This is the voice behind us saying "This is the way, walk in it." (Isaiah 30:21) This is us, waiting for Him to lift up our head, breathe life into our lungs, dry our tears, and strengthen us for one more hour. This is His blessing of daily manna-dependent living.
This, this is amen.
