I am free! Well, free in the sense that I am not hooked up to a machine and am no longer confined to my four walled prison. Now I have a multi-walled prison! This doesn't bode well for being content. Sorry. Today brought a lot of changes. You see, along with the pneumonia there was also a tuberculosis scare. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise since it gave me a private room at no extra cost. Now one blessing in exchanged for another as I get the all clear with no tb and am now moved too a room with 5 beds, 3 of which are occupied. Seems silly, but it's got me a little anxious. Now I am not only a foreigner but a foreigner who is open to observation more often than when I had my own room.
I was praying for a miraculous recovery that beat all expectations and had me walking out of here within the week and a half mark instead of 2 to 3 weeks they predicted. The doctor told me today that the shadow is still showing up on the scan which means at least another week. Not a happy camper right now and I feel the Western Christian approach pounding at me to pull myself up and choose contentment! I think there is more to it than that which means more Holy Spirit searching on my part. On a positive note, I no longer cough with every breath, my temp is down, and I'm beginning to recognize certain faces of nurses even though the names still escape me. I'm learning lessons of dependence and am in awe at the amount of support in my life from friends, family, and complete strangers. Now that I am in the Japanese hospital public eye, I know there is more God wants me to show and learn for myself if I can only get past my selfish desire for privacy and comfort. I pray for myself to get out of the way mostly, but also that along with this whole trip to Japan I would stop being calendar oriented ticking off the dates till supposed relief. While I know this too shall pass, I don't want to be so future oriented that I miss opportunities now. I do desire so deeply to be out of this place though, but not before I am well again. Can't have one without the other I guess.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Japanese Hospitals
Pneumonia. Not exactly what you like to hear on your last week of break while living in a foreign country, but after fighting an unknown terror in my body having any diagnosis was a relief. So, here I will be for the next 2 weeks, and hopefully not more than that. The poor nurses and doctors try so hard to use what English they know. Good thing I'll have plenty of time to study these while in bed. Part of me wants to scream, "Why me?" Carrie, Carl, and Liz all made it here in Japan without being hospitalized. Was I really doing too much, or did too many things line up to make this happen? I'd like to believe it's the latter, but too many people say it's the former. I'm now facing two areas of my life I've a never thought I was weak in yet always told I am; not depending on others, and overworking myself. I don't get it.
But times have been more precious. Every request of someone else still comes with a weight that leaves me feeling indebted, but my life has slowed to moments. Right now, moments of not coughing and coughing but I dream of the day when I will walk out the door, tear off my hospital band, and finally be healthy. God is good and faithful and every song and verse about His continuous nature even in the midst of adversity hits a little closer to home now. I can say I've tasted and I've seen. I didn't know it would have that bitter taste weaving in and out of it.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Years Revelation
I hate New Years resolutions. You may be appalled by that statement, and I may receive an email box full of statistics and helpful hints to a successful New Year's resolution plan, but I must be honest. Call it my one and only act of rebellion, but have it I must. So, as I sit here in my apartment returned from a wonderful but illness-ridden Christmas with my brother and his wife, I begin to wonder about my New Year. If I let myself think about it I could cry and bemoan the fact that I am alone on New Years night. This time last year I was living in a house of 4 other girls, celebrating the coming year of possibilities (not resolutions mind you) with my roomie Suzie Bochman. Little did we know the year 2011 would see Suzie engaged and myself in a foreign country. Go figure.
It's been a little over three months now since I landed on Japanese tarmac. I was warned of the Star Trek like warp-speed these new cultural timelines tend to have, but it has truly been a blur. Culture shock has ebbed and flowed. My desire to buy a calendar and big red marker to tick off the dates has also wained, but not totally. I've had multiple "monster hugs" (funny what you'll revert to to get kids to clean up in a timely manner), I've struggled with letting life go on at home. I've messed up, gotten lost, and accidentally told someone I don't speak English. I've seen train cars full of busy people and experienced the silence that comes from them each being in their own little worlds. I've felt the wind of the Sea of Japan and seen the waves roll on Japanese beaches. I've eaten food that required shut eyes on my part, and tasted the comfort that comes from familiar dishes.
My latest adventure almost paled those other things to the point of being inconsequential. For two of the three months I've been here I've struggled with a cold. Not such a big deal considering I work with kids now and I am in a foreign country, but after the second round of doctor's visits and antibiotics I became a little discouraged. You know you've reach a low when the stories of Job brings comfort. All my past convictions and ideas of God's providence went out the window as my coughing increased and ended up pulling a muscle in my side from the violence of my coughing. Now, for New Years I lie in bed telling myself not to cough because I know the pain it will bring to my overworked muscles.
I don't mean this as a pitiful diatribe, although if you were here I might ask for a hug. I just want to convey once more what living in another culture can look like. I also want to paint this picture so you understand when I say my attitude towards God's plan and my willingness to march on through anything was pretty skewed. You see, my survival tactic up till now has been a calendar asessment. When something difficult hits me, I count down the days till I can return to the familiar. If you have missionary friends, ask them about this. I bet it's something they've struggled with or need support with right now. My brother was the first one to challenge my view on this.
As we sat in Mr. Donuts Carl began to beat down all my bemoanings with two main question, "Why did God bring you here?" and "What is your end goal?" I'm still pretty sure of the answer to the first question, always have been, but that second question left me munching on my donut a little longer. He was right. If my end goal was simply a timeline than ticking away those dates isn't a bad option. It took me an overnight bus ride home and a extremely strained muscle till I actually took the time to sit and ask God those two questions for myself. Want to know what He said? Read Psalm 73:21-28. Now jam to some Shane and Shane and you've got my New Year's Revelation.
Before I end, and I know you must be yearning for me to do so, let me show you how those verses caught me. You see, verse 21-22 pretty much sums up my heart attitude towards God when things are too hard. In fact I would say it sums up my "year of hell" (ask me about it later if you like). Verses 23-25 are those barrier toppling verses that gives a glimpse of what God is doing backstage, and I can do nothing but be thankful. Now, verses 25-26, 28 gives the purpose and strength to go through those times I wish would pass, to run the race and finish the mission. Looks like I have some searching to do, and lots of time to do it. That's my revelation, not to be confused with resolution...I still don't like those.
It's been a little over three months now since I landed on Japanese tarmac. I was warned of the Star Trek like warp-speed these new cultural timelines tend to have, but it has truly been a blur. Culture shock has ebbed and flowed. My desire to buy a calendar and big red marker to tick off the dates has also wained, but not totally. I've had multiple "monster hugs" (funny what you'll revert to to get kids to clean up in a timely manner), I've struggled with letting life go on at home. I've messed up, gotten lost, and accidentally told someone I don't speak English. I've seen train cars full of busy people and experienced the silence that comes from them each being in their own little worlds. I've felt the wind of the Sea of Japan and seen the waves roll on Japanese beaches. I've eaten food that required shut eyes on my part, and tasted the comfort that comes from familiar dishes.
My latest adventure almost paled those other things to the point of being inconsequential. For two of the three months I've been here I've struggled with a cold. Not such a big deal considering I work with kids now and I am in a foreign country, but after the second round of doctor's visits and antibiotics I became a little discouraged. You know you've reach a low when the stories of Job brings comfort. All my past convictions and ideas of God's providence went out the window as my coughing increased and ended up pulling a muscle in my side from the violence of my coughing. Now, for New Years I lie in bed telling myself not to cough because I know the pain it will bring to my overworked muscles.
I don't mean this as a pitiful diatribe, although if you were here I might ask for a hug. I just want to convey once more what living in another culture can look like. I also want to paint this picture so you understand when I say my attitude towards God's plan and my willingness to march on through anything was pretty skewed. You see, my survival tactic up till now has been a calendar asessment. When something difficult hits me, I count down the days till I can return to the familiar. If you have missionary friends, ask them about this. I bet it's something they've struggled with or need support with right now. My brother was the first one to challenge my view on this.
As we sat in Mr. Donuts Carl began to beat down all my bemoanings with two main question, "Why did God bring you here?" and "What is your end goal?" I'm still pretty sure of the answer to the first question, always have been, but that second question left me munching on my donut a little longer. He was right. If my end goal was simply a timeline than ticking away those dates isn't a bad option. It took me an overnight bus ride home and a extremely strained muscle till I actually took the time to sit and ask God those two questions for myself. Want to know what He said? Read Psalm 73:21-28. Now jam to some Shane and Shane and you've got my New Year's Revelation.
Before I end, and I know you must be yearning for me to do so, let me show you how those verses caught me. You see, verse 21-22 pretty much sums up my heart attitude towards God when things are too hard. In fact I would say it sums up my "year of hell" (ask me about it later if you like). Verses 23-25 are those barrier toppling verses that gives a glimpse of what God is doing backstage, and I can do nothing but be thankful. Now, verses 25-26, 28 gives the purpose and strength to go through those times I wish would pass, to run the race and finish the mission. Looks like I have some searching to do, and lots of time to do it. That's my revelation, not to be confused with resolution...I still don't like those.
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