Unreasonable

Today my train commute home included pink dusted clouds and a mighty yet obscuring mountain. As my train rushed along in it's usual "clickety-clack" way (in Japan it's actually a "shoo, shoo, bum, bum" anomonopia) towards my usual transfer station, my eyes took in the not so common. Yes, I had seen clouds, and yes I had seen pink, but some color and texture combinations I think God saves to make eyes open wider. This sky scene was the kind that made you sit up and notice, and made your hands itch for a paintbrush whether they had picked one up before or not. Sagoi! Amazing!

I began wondering about those clouds and the source of color, the scientific source not the Sunday school answer though that is true as well. This brings me to my beautiful, obscuring mountain. Ikoma mountain rises proud and impenetrable (there are places no foot has stepped) as a division between us and the rest of Osaka which lies beside the ocean. In that moment my heart skipped an important beat at the thought of a sun setting on a wide ocean and casting it's last, soft blush on those viewable clouds. 

Why heart did you skip a beat? From what I've heard, that reaction is reserved for the man of my dreams and extremely dreadful situations. Not that those two are related. Why did a beauty caused by something unseen cause this reaction and why does my soul cry out along with your stumble? It seems unreasonable. Unreasonable indeed.

Who Am I?

You hear that simple sentence usually in two distinctive tonal inflections: emphasis on the "am" clues you in that someone is on an identity journey. Science, religions, and laymen alike struggle with this particular question. The second tonal inflection focuses on the "I." Go ahead. Try saying it. This tonal inflection is usually ignored by popular culture because it cuts the legs out from under the MVP generation members and the message that we simply deserve whatever lite load or attractive thing the someone else in our lives happen to have. This is the tone of Moses as God placed the Him-sized task of leading His people out of slavery. I can imagine this tonal emphasis lilting out of king David's mouth as he realized the distance from where God took him to where He was being called to go. Can you hear the difference between the two inflections? Unlike the first tonal use which focuses inwardly, this tonal inflection of Old Testament kings and leaders comes from an image of self that is no longer sufficient and no longer able to ignore all else. 

Today, that second inflection was humming in my mind as the room around me continued to explode with shouts, cries of unfair treatment, and clamorings of my name. All day and all week I had been struggling with my insufficiencies as a teacher. I love my kids, and most days will find me awakining with the dawn and a smile as I remember some cute saying or story. But today was not one of those days. I wanted...well, I wanted the impossible: a quiet room, learning comprehension, and no screaming students. As I sat there watching chopsticks fly through bentos of rice, I pulled out my Bible app and suddenly the tonal inflection caught my attention. Who am (big, resounding emphasis here) I?

Who was I kidding? I was expecting my preschoolers (none of whom have even reached a developmental stage of total spacial recognition yet I might add) to be perfect cherubs in areas where I have failed. I am most certainly not perfect, and you better believe God has had to listen to many of my clamorings and shouts. Even after repeated reminders that it really was in my best interest to sit down and listen I continued to fidget, jump, and let myself be distracted by anything and everything.

Now, did this revelation suddenly make the din go away or the stress to subside? No way. This isn't a magical pill, just a new perspective prescription. It didn't produce an overwhelming sense of love for my screaming throng, nor did it ensure a smile on my face as children tried the, "let's see how many times I can say her name until she actually pays attention to me" tactic. No, it was simply true. No special side affects. It was just an inwardly peaceful and humbling thought that helped me be a little less Mrs. Nielsen (my horror of a grade school teacher), and a little more open to smiling. Sorry kids, I'm learning too. I guess we both need to have more patience.

Too Organized

My focus may be on tickets home and having the most experiences possible before leaving, but the lessons just keep on coming. The latest one has to do with my "Superpower." Yes. I, Lydia O'Brien have a superpower. I can, "whispers"...lean in a little closer. I can...organize. I am a future-oriented planning, organizing freak of nature. Not a big deal you say? Try telling that to the friends and family who look to me as if I'm their savior from cluttered closets and badly planned events. I first noticed my powers at a young age as I would clean and arrange my room until absolutely satisfied. This might have been somewhat normal except for the internal processing which no one else knew. Yes, I would leave a mess in my room at times thus fooling the world into thinking I was a somewhat normal American child. An unmade bed here, some randomly strewn clothes there, but little did the general public know my inner motivation for such slovenly behavior was so that I had something to clean up when I got home. There's a good example of both my planning and cleanliness powers in action.

I grew into my powers and began using them for the common good, but it didn't take long before I realized the benefit of a secret identity. Why do you think Superman, Batman, and all the other latex sporting do gooders didn't rent a billboard or invest in a marketing plan? It's cause they knew they would be too busy if they did! I learned this valuable lesson during my teenage years as I heeded all the desperate cries for help from family and friends seeking a little organization for their crazy lives. 

Now I, like so many other superheroes, simply observe for times when I are needed instead of advertising it. Where am I going with all this? Well, I've begun to wonder if my superpower, however helpful to the masses, isn't so good for me all the time. Do I enjoy knowing where I put my keys or  the precise minute my train leaves? Yes, of course, but much like X-ray vision there are just times you wish you could turn it off. I wish I could simply ignore the multi-railed track my mind shows me of the future. One decision, and in my minds eye are all the possible outcomes, responses, and ramifications possible for the human mind to know. Ok, maybe not all of them, but superheroes aren't suppose to admit weaknesses.

Speaking of weaknesses (some superheroes need to learn to keep their mouths shut *ahem* Superman), mine happens to be intricately connected with my power: Anxiety. That's right. My green, crystal-shaped, debilitating weakness is anxiety. Just like genie (I know I'm crossing into cartoon analogies now) who has all that power with itty bity living space, I too carry quite the gift with all it's negative weight as well.

Ok, seriously organizing and future planning aren't enough to get me into comic books let alone The Avengers movie, but the anxiety issue is trully a big glowing weakness of mine. It comes from years of honing the gifts of planning and anticipating every need (how do you think I survived Stage Managing), and now my adult brain is also able to compute the formula; possible outcome + variables x planning = it's out of your hands. 

This leads me to my main point. I know, as always you had to stick in there a little while to get it, but I'm simply helping you learn endurance. Ever hear about the sin of unbelief? Pastor John Piper does a great sermon series on it, and believe me I listened attentively to the section on the sin of unbelief in anxiety. Try this logic: anxiety means fear and worry about the future. God says He is sovereign over the future and that He cares for us. When we worry and allow anxiety cryptonite into our lives than we are calling the God and creator of the Universe, the One who likes to use fire and smoke to communicate at times I might add, a pretentious liar. We're saying we know better, we can see all outcomes, and we alone bear the weight of knowledge. Easier to just worry about stuff than pray, right? 

So, the head knowledge is there now. The life application part is going to be tricky. I still have my infernal superpower which can be so helpful and so frustrating. I'm ready to kick the cryptonite out of my life though. I just realized how proud my brother would be at the amount of comic book references in this one blog. So, in light of that I now dedicate this revelation and the words used to describe it to my wonderful brother who is partly responsible for the person I am today. Thank you for never asking me to use my superpowers in your life.

The Time Has Come

This is a little late, but that's what happens when I live without wifi close by. :)


Well, I've been blessed by home stays, friends willing to run errands, and friends who keep me sane. I've seen sacred dear, roadside alters, and every type of school-uniformed child. I've got enough cute child quotes to last me for awhile. As you can guess from this list, I am wrapping up my life in Japan. Surprised? Me too, a little bit. My original contract was 6 months so I knew I would have to revisit the idea of staying or not. What I didn't expect was the hospital visit leading up to it. My health hasn't always been great, but since coming to Japan it's been challenged in ways it never had before...hence the pneumonia battle. My latest checkup with my doctor was an adventure of translation and somewhat bad news as I found out my pneumonia has caused a couple more problems (not life threatening) that would be easier to sort out in America. 

Oddly enough, this news didn't immediately convince me it was time to go home. I was ready for a mental and emotional battle on my knees awaiting God's leading. Maybe I was called to suffer through this. Maybe this was a way God wanted to show His glory. It wasn't until I read treasured notes from home and past journal entries that I realized two things; I miss community and it was time. It was time to  wrap up this experience, it was time to be in community, it was time to move into another stage, it was just God's time.

So, once more I am searching for plane tickets, steady jobs, and I'm also searching to keep that assurance of God's will. Once more, God has taught me the vanity of staring the decision in the face as if all my existence depends on the correct answer. Instead He is showing me again to improve my relationship with Him. Strangely enough, it's only when I've done that that the peace and assurance I seek comes and then I can make my decision.

Come April I will be packing up what little I've acquired, figuring out lease agreements and return flight plans, and will experience a reversal of all my experiences since September. Goodbyes will be hard. Home will be different, and some things will have changed so much I will need to get to know them once more. I want to end this blog entry by this very simple writer by saying I don't regret anything I've experienced here. If I took the sickness, the struggles, and the tears out of it then I wouldn't have the full picture. I love and cherish the full picture. So, thanks for the hard times and hospital visits Japan. I didn't get to see a lot of you, but my view of this wonderful country was definitely unique and has left me in love. I'll be back.