New Years Revelation

I hate New Years resolutions. You may be appalled by that statement, and I may receive an email box full of statistics and helpful hints to a successful New Year's resolution plan, but I must be honest. Call it my one and only act of rebellion, but have it I must. So, as I sit here in my apartment returned from a wonderful but illness-ridden Christmas with my brother and his wife, I begin to wonder about my New Year. If I let myself think about it I could cry and bemoan the fact that I am alone on New Years night. This time last year I was living in a house of 4 other girls, celebrating the coming year of possibilities (not resolutions mind you) with my roomie Suzie Bochman. Little did we know the year 2011 would see Suzie engaged and myself in a foreign country. Go figure.


It's been a little over three months now since I landed on Japanese tarmac. I was warned of the Star Trek like warp-speed these new cultural timelines tend to have, but it has truly been a blur. Culture shock has ebbed and flowed. My desire to buy a calendar and big red marker to tick off the dates has also wained, but not totally. I've had multiple "monster hugs" (funny what you'll revert to to get kids to clean up in a timely manner), I've struggled with letting life go on at home. I've messed up, gotten lost, and accidentally told someone I don't speak English. I've seen train cars full of busy people and experienced the silence that comes from them each being in their own little worlds. I've felt the wind of the Sea of Japan and seen the waves roll on Japanese beaches. I've eaten food that required shut eyes on my part, and tasted the comfort that comes from familiar dishes.


My latest adventure almost paled those other things to the point of being inconsequential. For two of the three months I've been here I've struggled with a cold. Not such a big deal considering I work with kids now and I am in a foreign country, but after the second round of doctor's visits and antibiotics I became a little discouraged. You know you've reach a low when the stories of Job brings comfort. All my past convictions and ideas of God's providence went out the window as my coughing increased and ended up pulling a muscle in my side from the violence of my coughing. Now, for New Years I lie in bed telling myself not to cough because I know the pain it will bring to my overworked muscles.


I don't mean this as a pitiful diatribe, although if you were here I might ask for a hug. I just want to convey once more what living in another culture can look like. I also want to paint this picture so you understand when I say my attitude towards God's plan and my willingness to march on through anything was pretty skewed. You see, my survival tactic up till now has been a calendar asessment. When something difficult hits me, I count down the days till I can return to the familiar. If you have missionary friends, ask them about this. I bet it's something they've struggled with or need support with right now. My brother was the first one to challenge my view on this.


As we sat in Mr. Donuts Carl began to beat down all my bemoanings with two main question, "Why did God bring you here?" and "What is your end goal?" I'm still pretty sure of the answer to the first question, always have been, but that second question left me munching on my donut a little longer. He was right. If my end goal was simply a timeline than ticking away those dates isn't a bad option. It took me an overnight bus ride home and a extremely strained muscle till I actually took the time to sit and ask God those two questions for myself. Want to know what He said? Read Psalm 73:21-28. Now jam to some Shane and Shane and you've got my New Year's Revelation.


Before I end, and I know you must be yearning for me to do so, let me show you how those verses caught me. You see, verse 21-22 pretty much sums up my heart attitude towards God when things are too hard. In fact I would say it sums up my "year of hell" (ask me about it later if you like). Verses 23-25  are those barrier toppling verses that gives a glimpse of what God is doing backstage, and I can do nothing but be thankful. Now, verses 25-26, 28 gives the purpose and strength to go through those times I wish would pass, to run the race and finish the mission. Looks like I have some searching to do, and lots of time to do it. That's my revelation, not to be confused with resolution...I still don't like those.