I'm sitting in my room looking at shelves full of worn books. I reach for one and then draw my hand away again. I know each of them. I can remember the first few words, the opening scene as if it's a movie in my head. It's almost as if I don't need to read them anymore. Just look at their covers and remember. But now I'm also trying to figure out how each of them will fit in a box and can I ship them overseas?
You see, I'm moving. I will soon be the teacher of 4-5 year old Japanese kids. The plan is to leave towards the end of September and for 6 months or longer see what God has planned.
It's going to be great, it's going to be intimidating, and I am confidently freaked out. There's stages of grieving to get through, people to tell, books to pack, and goodbyes to be made. The last time I said an extended goodbye was when I moved with my family on a cold Christmas morning from Georgia to Minnesota. I'm not used to this kind of thing. I have friends who say goodbye for a living. Believe me, we make quite the contrast.
But I'm also at peace too. Did you know God has brought up the opportunity to go to Japan four times? Four times! Each time it fell through. That was a journey in and of itself, and believe me, I lost my way a lot on that adventure. I may tell you about it someday. But this time, this time I learned to look at the Giver rather than the gift. Now is the time, and I am scared to death.
But into the boxes my books will go. I'll continue the goodbyes and grieving. My To Do list may even get done in time, not likely. But the day will come whether I'm ready or not, when I will board a plane by myself, most likely with tears still blurring my vision of the flight attendants and captains ushering me in, and we'll take off. I'll begin to wonder what in the world I was thinking! I'll wonder if my church family will still be my family while I'm overseas. I'll worry about what catastrophes will happen while I'm away. Then I'll pull out my journal, the one I've written every promise, every verse, and every encouraging word from friends and family and I'll remember, I'm where God wants me. I will rest, I will trust, I may even enjoy the airplane food. Then those thoughts of home won't be stabs of pain, they'll be joyful memories.
For a year God has prepared me for this. When I first was presented with an opportunity to go to Japan, I wasn't ready. For an entire year I've struggled with faith issues, God's sovereignty, and my own pride. As I look back now I can recognize God's grace in my pain. One year ago I didn't have a strong church family, I didn't know myself. Some of you may not believe in these things, but for me and what I went through this year, it would take a concerted effort for me NOT to believe. So I guess I just will, and I know there's a lot more to come. So, with that in mind, I'm going to go pack some more boxes.
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