Earlier Today

I'm sitting in Starbucks sipping my Christmas themed cup of holiday cheer listening to an eclectic mix of Christmas music. I shouldn't be surprised. Christmas is only 2 months away. I look forward to the newness of spending a holiday in a place with different traditions, but I dread the pain; pain of homesickness, pain of causing my parents to spend the holidays alone.

I know I haven't written in awhile. It's not that I've been slacking on processing the feelings and culture shocks. It's been busy with Halloween parties, children with sniffles, and daily pushing myself to do more on my own. I don't get many opportunities to sit and think. Usually I'm reminding kids to speak in English, not push their classmate, or use proper English structure (most of them still leave key words out of sentences like, "Lydia. Yuki, hit...ow...here"). Let's face it, I also use escape as an excuse to not process. For the past year I learned how to answer my friend's and roommate's question of, "Heart Check, how are you?" Now I have to learn to ask and answer my own question. I'm failing pretty badly right now. I usually don't know something is wrong until my body tells me in random tears or an upset stomach. Part of the learning process I guess. We'll see how it goes once I move into an apartment by myself this month.

I'm also realizing more and more how to have eyes connected to a broken heart. Eyes on their own will see a train of people nodding their heads in time with the jostling tracks or spacing out as they listen to their music and see only fellow commuters with no backstories who are easily glazed over. Eyes connected with a broken heart will see and feel; feel loneliness, feel curiosity, and feel some sadness. Those eyes and heart will also being interested in the person, not just the statistic. But how does one invest in a long-term culture with a short-term future in front of them? Ah, the age old Lydia question. I don't know, but I have begun to realize how much I rely on those before me. I heard once about the analogy of a seed in reference to the Christin witness: one person may plant a seed, the next water, the next cultivate, but there is no guarantee that they will see the outcomes of their work. I don't know where I am in the planting process with people, but chances are I am 2nd or 3rd in the work line. How's that for processing for you?