Wow, life!

~A glimpse into my processing with my Lord while in Japan. It's something I don't want to forget~

Oh life. You seem to want to engulf me. With your perfect storm concoction of unknown future, tumultuous events, and crippling emotions I am tempted to shut my eyes and curl up in a corner with the hopes that you will forget my little boat is out here. You don't work that way do you? Sometimes you try your best to make me forget that there is a perfect-storm-wave-calmer in my boat whom I've completely ignored till now. In the back of my mind I knew, I knew His love and sovereignty, and that at a single word your waves would calm and your dark clouds pass. I had forgotten in all my bailing out and paddling for safety, how to desire His companionship. You presented the opportunity to forget, but I chose it. Shame on me for choosing your drama over His peace. Even now I am feeling the dullness that comes from too much time spent looking into your cyclone. My heart is not satisfied, my eyes are unfocused, and the busy existence still seems more attractive than His peaceful one. 

So, no more addressing you. It's time to put on my Mary dress and talk with my boat Saver. Lord, I am in danger of talking at You rather than with You. I don't have this relationship, conversation thing down with You yet. Today, in the sermon I listened to, Steven Furtick said that it was time to let my weakness be a weakness. It was time to stop striving and simply let You be the strong One in this journey. I've struggled so long with trying my hardest to hide my weakness. Sure I would hear the pastor's sermons and Sunday school exultations that God uses weak and the unable to glorify Himself, Yourself, but me? I fell into the mental trap of thinking my every move is watched and weighted according to my failure. My biggest failure seems to lie in my inability to discern Your will and timing reliably. I'm now horrified to declare something as Your guidance or truth because I may have interpreted it wrongly. Is this something I need to be weak in for awhile before I see Your strength and gain a little in Your presence?

Now decisions and timelines are buzzing with variables and possibilities. Do I leave in April or May? When should I apply for jobs? Will I be able to return to Minnesota or will I be somewhere else? When do I start my Masters? These are all questions that life (still not talking to you) is clamorings an answer for. I know You have a specific timing and answer. I know my Marthaness makes it hard for me to practice Mary. Becoming more Mary-like seems to be part of my spiritual training in order to run this race it seems. I suck at it. I really do. I think of being at Your feet, face upturned as my humble and teachable gaze looks into a your loving eyes. It's a beautiful picture, but I can't seem to make it stick. Not for me to strive for is it? I know. That's something else I can't make stick in my mind or come out in my life. So, keep practicing?

I want to get this Lord. I want to so badly. I know it lies in my humbleness, accepting of weakness, focus on You. I just don't know where to start. Would You please give me a heart of wisdom? One that is infatuated with You and totally attracted to Your Holy Spirit. I want to wake up with a feeling of desperation for Your word; to get lost, to forget to do's and plans. Please show me where to begin.