Exhausted? Good!

Hisashiburi!

It's been a while. I've contemplated many times whether to start posting again. The thought that actually thawed my fingers and led to action was this; exhaustion, true exhaustion that causes your feet to drag and your mind to feel like you're swimming through jello is ok. I know, you're probably thinking, "Oh Lydia. No. What an unhealthy statement to make." And you would be right,  normally. In this day and age of self-care, self-actualization, and personal goals it would be unhealthy...if my end-all was to live the American Dream. And it was, until recently.

Until I read two specific books which I'll list later, the way I pictured the end of my race was like a photo-shopped Olympic post-card. No sweat stains marring my shirt or sweat beads causing my hair to turn into unattractive tentacles latching onto my face. In my minds-eye, I would finish with as much gusto as I began. It would be a truly marvelous finish-line crossing.

It's funny. I've always wanted to be a runner. Never have though and there are two reasons why;

1. Have you ever seen a runner? I'm not talking at the beginning of their run when they're all fresh and sweat-free. I mean mid-run or even towards the end. I've only seen two runners smiling while they ran. You know why? It's cause you're sacrificing for each step! Yes, there's health and mental benefits. No argument. That's why I would love to be a runner. But you are literally pouring yourself out to achieve those benefits. It takes something each time you lace up those sneakers and I've never been willing to pay that price, which leads to my second reason.

2. I know that my mental picture would not match the actual. My fictional running persona would not sweat but glisten. She would have an amazing gait that passersby would nod their heads approvingly at and use words such as "good form." This would of course not be the case. My running pace is more like a wounded antelope with overly active sweat glands. I know, it's not pleasant for me either and so I save myself and the world from this experience by leaving my aspirations of jogging unfulfilled.

I mentioned two books that have caused a shift for me. The first is a book called Crazy Busy. In it, Kevin DeYoung makes an amazing statement concerning exhaustion; "Some forms of busyness are from the Lord and bring him glory." (DeYoung, 2013)

Earlier, DeYoung quotes an article on the same topic; an article entitled "To Serve is to Suffer" written by a man ministering in Sri Lanka. In this article, Fernando says "I get the strong feeling that many in the West think struggling with tiredness from overwork is evidence of disobedience to God...If you think it is wrong to suffer physically because of ministry, then you suffer more from the problem than those who believe that suffering is an inevitable step on the path of fruitfulness and fulfillment." (Fernando, 2010) Maybe exhaustion is a normal outcome, even expected much like you expect a runner to pant and lay his hands on his knees after finishing his sprint. You'd even wonder if he actually gave it his all if he wasn't struggling for breath.

The second book is called "Anything." Just like the title suggests, the author challenges her reader's to uncurl their fingers from the anything's in their lives in order to truly run with everything in them. But her finish line looks different from mine: "I want to get to heaven out of breath, having willingly done anything that you - God of the Universe- ask...anything." (Allen, 2015) You can imagine that kind of runner, right? They probably don't "glisten."

Yet, there's a beauty to someone who is pouring their all into something. It awakens something in us, something that says, "Oh, so it is worth it!" It's the same feeling you get when watching movies of heroic sacrifice and honor and you begin to wonder if you would make the same choice; the same choice that Katie Davis made.

Fresh out of high school, Katie makes a seemingly normal Christian choice to hit the pause button on her life and serve in Uganda. After all, you can do anything for a year, right? Her year turned into a lifestyle; a day after day commitment to lace up and run with everything she has. In fact, after her one year, she found that not running her hardest every day was not enough anymore. Yes, she desired rest; the kind that comes from buying whatever you want, when you want, or hanging out with your friends at a restaurant or even enjoying a house full of your family. But she had a taste for more. Not only that, she saw what was at stake.

You know those movies where the music crescendos just as a hero or heroine lay it all on the line in a bet? Sometimes their bet includes a promise of service or house or possessions but usually, it begins with the words, "If I win..." Well, Katie's life is a daily promise to give all she has because she knows the stakes. She would love to rest, but she wants something more;

"I want to be spiritually and emotionally filled every day of my life...I want to be challenged endlessly; I want to be learning and growing every minute...I want to work so hard that I end every day filthy and too tired to move. I want to feel needed, important, used by the Lord...I want to give my life away, to serve the Lord with each breath, each second. I want to be here. Right here. (Allen, 2015)

That doesn't sound like someone who wants to finish pretty. Yes, something can be said for self-care and making sure you can make it till the end, but am I wrong that more stamina comes from practicing than from resting? There's a time and place for everything. Jesus showed us that in His life examples, but maybe it's not a coincidence that there are more examples of Him serving than resting. Maybe our American ratio is off. I'm starting to think exhaustion is ok, and ironically, I feel less exhausted from that; as if a majority of my exhaustion in the race has come from fighting the reason for the exhaustion. I was a runner focused on the wrong thing.

I want to be exhausted for the right reasons. I too want to get to heaven out of breath, sweaty, dirty, with nothing left undone.