Faith on a Train Platform

It's 5am here. Yup. jet lag is kicking in. It hasn't been too bad. The first time I encountered good ol' Mr. Jet Lag was a couple of nights ago. Asleep by 11pm and awake by 3am did not a stable Lydia make. Thankfully that was on Sunday so not a lot of responsibilities laid on my sleep-deprived shoulders. The following day wasn't bad at all; asleep by 7:30pm and awake by 6:30am. Today we are back to awake by 4:30 am. I try to fight it until to do lists start forming in my head and then I know the battle is lost. Besides, I haven't had time to process a lot the past few days so why not do it while the house is still asleep?


I'm now at the Dugan's senior. It's been such a blessing to stay with mike and Carrie during my first few days here. They've helped me learn, navigate the train system (which still intimidates me), and helped me to generally not freak out. Now I'll be staying at the elder Dugans for about a month as a start work, save up for an apartment, and generally try not to freak out.


I have yet to have an all out, "What am I doing here, this is a mistake!" freak out moment. That's been a huge blessing. I do have to say the assurance I felt so keenly before buckling that seatbelt and taking off to the unknown is a little farther from the surface than it use to be. I have to dig a little bit more where I use to be able to recall instantly. Since I got here it's been a constant roller coaster ride between, "Can I do this?" and "I can do this!" For example when I step onto a train platform, look at the unknown Japanese writings, and wonder if I'll one day get lost in the never-ending maze of train cars and streets with no names...that's a "Can I do this?" moment. When I step into my classroom and hear all the children say, "Hello, how are you?" in their wonderful accents as they run up with smiles on their faces...that's a "I can do this!" moment.


So, my question is, when does this roller coaster level off, and how do I hold on until then? Not to be a Sunday school child of 4 years, but Jesus and prayer are the biggest things I have to remind myself of minutely (as in the time not the measurement). In James, it reminds us to ask God for wisdom when we are lacking it (when are we not is my question), and to ask with doubtless faith. In fact, the opposite approach has some pretty strong consequences; that person is foundationless, not able to receive whatever it is he asks for in this instance wisdom), and becomes double-minded. Yeah, that faith approach looks like the better option. I start to wonder what doubts might arise when asking God. Is it all doubts or is James referencing a certain kind of doubt? It could be all doubts. I'm no scholar so I don't know, but earlier when talking about asking God for wisdom he characterizes God as a giver without reproach. Makes me wonder if he's not specifically thinking of the doubt that arises from a finite, messed up person asking an all-knowing, righteous God for something. That realization, while good also leafs to doubts of whether we can go to God wearing our everyday cloths instead of trying to clean ourselves up and put a little concealer on at least before going to Him. Those doubts could keep you stuck for a pretty long time. Of course, any doubt that arises when asking God, who may I remind you told us to ask Him, directly relates to how truthful we think God is about Himself. Is it normal to be concerned and worry when your fridge is empty and a paycheck is not in your future? Golly Bob, yes it is! Did we give up any rights to react list a "normal person" in situations of uncertainty? Heck yes we did!


Right now these are just words. Within a few hours I'll be putting them into practice as I step onto that train platform, figure out dollar to yen conversion, and struggle through the general freaking out times. I'll let you know how my practice goes if you tell me yours.